The Cat Assumption

“Ev’rybody wants to be a cat!” – From the movie The Aristocats

My heart is filled with so much anxiety lately. Last night I wasn’t able to sleep. There are so many things on my mind, so many things I have to do, so many things that are left undone. Whenever I would close my eyes to get to sleep, my mind would spin over everything again and again, and there I would be, wide awake…again. 

It’s 4am, I have to get to sleep, I have to go to work in the morning.

Pressuring myself to sleep makes things worse. I begin to think about something that triggers my emotions and I begin to cry. And I know why I’m crying, because I am afraid. Afraid of so many things, so many things not happening, afraid of letting people down, afraid that I am unlovable. I try to pray and practice gratitude for the Love that surrounds me, the Love that is readily available at all times, but anxiety tells me no, that’s not enough, it will never be enough.

Anxiety is a damn liar.

Yes, the desires of my heart are still there. The feelings about the desires that have not yet manifested were coming to the surface. These “feelings” have a sneaky way of coming out…it happens whenever I feel overwhelmed, or if I am feeling a bit of joy in the midst of my challenges. It’s funny how these feelings come out in challenges AND in happy moments. They serve as a reminder that there are still unfulfilled dreams in my heart, still this longing to be loved, and a fear that the longing will never go away.

But the desires of your heart never have to go away…

There were obvious feelings that needed to be felt last night, so instead of continually fighting myself and forcing myself to sleep, I allowed my body to relax in these feelings. This was a first for me. There was no judgment, I just felt what was happening, and let it be.

But I still couldn’t sleep.  

Then, a spiritual awakening. Through my tears, I glance over at my Samson kitty at the foot of my bed, sleeping, snoring (loudly), and curled up in a cute little ball. And I think to myself…

I need to be more like a cat.

Samson makes one big assumption before he goes to sleep. The assumption is that he will be taken care of.

When he wakes up, there will be Fancy Feast in his dish, water in his bowl, toys to play with, birds to yell at, a litter box to do his business in, and a mama to cuddle with. He boldly makes this assumption. He has no worries, he just knows that everything will be alright. And if it’s not, he will figure out a solution once he gets to the challenge. 

And with that thought, I turn over, close my eyes and go to sleep.

 Ev’rybody wants to be a cat!

I always talk about how my exploration of the human-animal bond will help others. Actually, it turns out that it helps me the most.

I want to be more like my Samson kitty. We can all learn something from the animals.

Confessions of a Major Depressive – Hope Through Depression Part 3

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when dreams come true, there is life and joy (Proverbs 13:12 NLT).

;

A heart without hope is ripe for depression. Hope lifts us up; depression drags us down (Touch Points of Hope, 2003, p. 97).

In my last post, I mentioned how on Christmas Eve 2010, I had hit one of the worst emotional bottoms of my life. I made it through the night, only to have to take my mom to the hospital the next day and spend Christmas Day in the hospital with her. My mom spent about two weeks in the hospital and then another several weeks in a rehabilitation center for intense physical therapy. In total, my mom spent about a month away from home. In the meantime, I was all over the place. I was caring for her, going back and forth to the hospital and rehab center, talking with doctors, social workers, trying to maintain things in the house, etc. I had to get the house ready for my mom to return home. I also was working a part time job and trying to do school work. I got into a horrible fight during this time with one of my nieces. For some reason during this time, I was getting sick every other month. I had a sinus infection and cough that would go away and then come right back. My body and mind had no time to deal with the emotional rock bottom I had hit on Christmas Eve. There was too much to do. Too many things to take care of.

Little did I know, my own body and mind were “shutting down.”

At the end of January 2011, my mom returned home. In the beginning, there were a lot of things I had to do for her because she had to get herself used to being back home after being gone for so long. But once I got her home and got her settled, the adrenaline that had built up for the past month, that had most likely been saving my life began to wear off. I was walking around like a zombie. Finally, one morning, I woke up and literally felt nothing. I felt numb. I felt as if nothing in the world would make me happy. I thought about the things I usually enjoyed, reading a book, laughter, petting my Samson kitty, watching the fish in the fish tank, and none of it sounded appealing. I couldn’t even feel God with me. Tears fell from my eyes as I literally felt like I was null and void.

Little did I know that I was being transformed. I was being forced to face my pain. And I knew something needed to change that would allow me to do it.

I had to get my brain back on the right track, so that I could face my demons. My counselor suggested I talk to my primary care physician. My primary care prescribed an antidepressant medication that wasn’t working and suggested I see a psychiatrist. I couldn’t afford to see a psychiatrist. But I had an idea. Maybe there was a depression research study somewhere that I could be a part of. I would look into that later. First I had to do something for mom. The day of my “numb, null and void” moment, I went to pick up a prescription for my mom, and when I returned home there was a commercial playing on television about a depression research study.

I was taking care of my mom. God was taking care of me.

It had an easy number to remember. I immediately called and made an appointment. The problem with research studies when they are testing medications is that they are usually double blind studies, so I could be a person that gets a placebo. I didn’t care. It was worth the risk.

Several days later I went to the research center. I had to answer a bunch of intake questions and then I met with the doctor who was leading the study. He was very nice. But it turns out that I didn’t qualify for the study because I was still seeing a counselor. Participants in this particular study could not be going through psychotherapy. I was devastated. I was done. I was never going to feel better. They gave me $20 for my time and I walked out of the office feeling hopeless and feeling that I would never get better.

As I walked toward the parking garage of the facility, my phone rang. I usually have my phone on silent, but for some reason it was on vibrate, so I knew it was ringing. It was the intake lady from the research center. She said,

“Michele, are you still here? If so, the doctor would like to see you.”

I’m thinking did I forget to sign something? I turned around, went back to the office and sat down with the doctor. He told me there was something about me that he just wanted to help. He told me,

“You are too smart of a person to think there is no hope for depression.”

The doctor prescribed me with a new medicine in a completely different class that I’ve never taken before. He told me that he would treat me for free for 3 months and then continue to treat me based on whatever I could pay.

“But your level of treatment will not change based on what you can or cannot pay.”

In this I knew that I was truly blessed and that God is real.

I was completely shocked at this doctor’s kindness. I began taking the new meds and I eventually began to notice a difference. This is how I came to the acceptance that depression is an illness. Before taking the medication, I wanted to kill myself. After taking the medication, I wanted to live. This is not something that can show up on an X-ray or lab test. It’s just something that is.

I want to point out something very important. In my case, medication is only a part of the process. But it was the medication that was able to help me get myself to a better place in order to be able to receive the other types of healing, such as my psychotherapy and 12-step recovery work, inner child work, spiritual work, etc. In my experience, the brain has to be capable of receiving affirmations, positive thinking, and all that other good stuff. If your brain is sick, no amount of self improvement, self-help stuff will work. In my case, the medication gave my brain the stability it needed that allowed me to believe and hope again.

This is not a post about the benefits of antidepressants. It is a post for hope. Your way may be through yoga and meditation, natural healing, talk therapy, or something else. Your way may not involve meds. The key is to find a treatment that works for you and your beliefs, your body and your mind. But I want to let everyone know that there is hope through depression. I don’t have it all figured out and it’s still a daily battle for me. But I am more equipped now than ever before to face that battle with courage, clarity, and hope. I hope that you can do the same.

Blessings in your journey…

Michele ♥

Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. These posts are stories of my own experiences and battle with clinical depression. If you feel that you may be suffering from clinical depression, please contact your physician. Click here for resources that can help you. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, please call 911 immediately.

Confessions of a Major Depressive – Hope Through Depression Part 2

At the end of 2009, I decided to go off my antidepressants and try to treat my depression naturally. I am a believer in natural healing therapies (such as aromatherapy) in conjunction with traditional medicine, but because I had lost my health insurance, I decided to try and go the entire route the natural way. It was okay for a time. I was lucky that my therapist continued to see me, regardless of my insurance situation. I had a lot going on. I had left my job and was transitioning from living on my own to living in a house with my mom and other family. I was trying to move, I had to put most of my things in storage, and I was in the midst of figuring out where I was going with my life. I was extremely unhappy. I sought out spiritual guidance, and joined a wonderful new church because I felt part of my problem was this big disconnect from God. I met some wonderful people and learned some great new things, but I was still unhappy. I started desperately trying to find a relationship to cover up the unhappiness. That didn’t work. I spent a lot of time in the bed, I spent a lot of time in isolation, I was irritable all the time, and I spent a lot of time crying…like everyday.

The week of Christmas 2010, I spent some time with a couple of families that I love very much and who love me. I had dinner with one family a few days before Christmas, it has become a yearly tradition for us to get together and have dinner and exchange gifts. As I left their home, I felt this overwhelming sense of sadness and emptiness. I cried all the way home. I couldn’t understand why, in the midst of all of that love, I felt so unloved. Life wasn’t perfect, I still had so much to be hopeful for, but I was unable to feel any hope at all.

A few days later on Christmas Eve, I spent time with my best friend and her family. They always make me feel so welcome and loved. But again, driving home from their house, I felt the same sadness, emptiness, and hopelessness. I hated myself for being surrounded by so much happiness and love, and being unable to feel any of it. A person like me did not deserve to live…

And to top it all off, I got into a horrible fight with my mother later that evening.

I obviously had some issues that I needed to work through, but I couldn’t figure out what they were. I just wanted the overwhelming pain I felt in my heart to stop. I wanted to feel grateful, hopeful, but my mind would not allow me to get there.

It’s one thing to be depressed when everything is going wrong. But it’s another thing to be depressed when you are surrounded by love, encouragement, and positivity. There is so much shame in saying, I’m so blessed, I don’t have everything, but I have more than a lot of people have, but I’m still depressed, sad, hopeless. I still can’t get out of the bed. I still can’t stop crying. I still don’t think my life means anything. This is how we know depression is a disease. It does like any other disease, it attacks what would otherwise be healthy, if not for the disease…the mind.

I cried and cried and cried as I watched It’s a Wonderful Life, and thought, I really don’t want to die…yes, like George Bailey, I wish I had never been born. But I still looked up ways that I could end it. I wanted the emotional pain to stop. I sent some “I love you” texts to a couple of friends…they wouldn’t suspect anything, of course because it was Christmas time and everyone was saying those words. I wanted to silently disappear. Escape life through the backdoor. I took a few Tylenol with Codeine, but then “Something” told me to stop. I wish I could tell you it was some amazing, burning bush moment, but I literally just went from looking up ways to kill myself to looking up suicide hot-lines. I called one. The man on the line told me that he was grateful that I had called him, that he was grateful because he got to spend this time with me on Christmas Eve. The guy obviously new his stuff, but if he was bullshitting, I didn’t care. It was something I needed to hear. I hung up the phone and eventually drifted off to sleep.

I woke up late the next afternoon with a headache and to a knock on my bedroom door. It was my niece telling me that my mom was sick. My mom was really sick and I had to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. I spent Christmas day in the hospital with an enormous amount of guilt about everything…

Part 3 concludes tomorrow…

Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. These posts are stories of my own experiences and battle with clinical depression. If you feel that you may be suffering from clinical depression, please contact your physician. Click here for resources that can help you. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, please call 911 immediately.

Confessions of a Major Depressive – Hope Through Depression Part 1

A very thoughtful comment the other day on my post, “There is No Shame in Hope,” inspired me to write today’s post. Specifically, the statement that moved me was this:

“…when people are deep down in the well of depression, it is difficult for them to see past the narrow brick walls surrounding them and the light at the top seems so small.”

I realized that I needed to address situations where people are clinically unable to have hope. I have been there. I am sure that most people know by now that there is a difference between being depressed, or being down for a moment, and actually having clinical depression. WebMD defines clinical or Major depression as:

A constant sense of hopelessness and despair…marked by a depressed mood most of the day, particularly in the morning, and a loss of interest in normal activities and relationships — symptoms that are present every day for at least 2 weeks. In addition, according to the DSM-IV – a manual used to diagnose mental health conditions — you may have other symptoms with major depression (i.e. fatigue; feelings of worthlessness or guilt; impaired concentration; insomnia; recurring thoughts of suicide, etc.).

So think of a disease like Alzheimer’s that attacks brain cells, Sickle Cell Anemia that attacks red blood cells, or HIV that attacks the entire immune system…

Depression is a disease that attacks hope.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression in the early 2000′s, but I was probably clinically depressed long before that. As a matter of fact, after my sister died, a counselor wanted me to seek treatment, but I refused to go. I didn’t want to face the possibility of having to take medicine for an illness that could not come up on an X-ray or lab test. To me, my illness was not an actual illness, it was a weakness. I didn’t really accept clinical depression as an illness until maybe a year and a half ago. Yes, you read right, I’ve been clinically depressed, taking meds for over 10 years, but didn’t accept depression as an illness until recently. I could come up with many theories as to why I didn’t accept it, but I just realized that it’s partly because I didn’t view “hope” as an actual part of my body, like brain cells, red blood cells, or my immune system that is necessary to keep me alive.

How did I come to this acceptance? This post is part one of a series of three “confessions” that will take you through my most recent journey in getting there. I hope you will be able to connect with my story and find a little hope where its needed.

Disclaimer: I am not a health professional. These posts are stories of my own experiences and battle with clinical depression. If you feel that you may be suffering from clinical depression, please contact your physician. Click here for resources that can help you. If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, please call 911 immediately. 

I’m Perfectly Imperfect; A Message of Hope

Reblogged from My Soulful Healing:

I’m just human, I have weaknesses, I make mistakes, and I experience sadness; but I learn from all these things to make me a better person. ~Unknown

I recently watched a very inspiring church service by Joel Osteen.  For those not familiar with Joel, he is an Author and celebrity senior pastor of the Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. This blog isn’t about Joel or religion.

Read more… 1,302 more words

Prayer For Mother’s Day

Me (as a baby), my mom, and my sister

Happy Mother’s day to my mom, all mom’s, aunts, grandmas, animal moms, and all women who use creativity to give birth to new ideas…

Today God, I pray for all mom’s and mother figures everywhere. I give thanks for my mom and all she has done and continues to do for me. I also pray for those who have never known the love of a mom like mine, that they are able to fill that void with Your Love. For those who have lost their mom, please embrace them as their grief is activated on this day. I also pray that you would use me to do Your will in a way that gives birth to the plans You have for my life. Allow me to be a mother to the world, regardless if having my own children is in my future or not.  Amen.

There is No Shame in Hope

It is relatively impossible for me to talk about hope without talking about spirituality. Because in my opinion, if there is no faith source, how can there be genuine hope? What is there to have hope in?

If everything that surrounds me that I can experience with my five senses has failed me, it is natural to lose hope. If a lover leaves, a friend betrays, my job bullies me, or my finances don’t show up, I may lose hope in those things. Those things are “of this world.” But if my hope is in something greater than myself, I can maintain that hope even when everything else has failed…even when maintaining hope doesn’t make any sense. As I am writing this, a Bible verse that I have often tried to understand comes to mind:

Romans 5:3-5

New International Version (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

I used to wonder how in the world could hope “put us to shame?” But now I understand. When we have been rejected or failed over and over again and still keep trying…when everyone is saying to face “reality” and we continue to believe in miracles…and when all the critics tell us to give up hope…but we don’t…

And we stand up for our hope and proclaim it loudly…

IT WILL HAPPEN FOR ME!

There could be shame in this because some people may think we’re crazy.

***

The night before my father passed away, a nice young doctor came in to his hospital room to check on his vitals, etc. My mom and I were visiting my dad, who had been in the hospital for about a week after having had heart failure. We really hadn’t understood what was going on with him, until this doctor, after examining my dad, turned to us and began to have an honest conversation with us about his condition.

As my mom touched my dad’s hand she said,

“He’s so cold. Why does he feel so cold?”

The doctor replied,

“His body is shutting down. There is not much else we can do for him now.”

There was no hope for him to live. My dad died the next evening.

I think when we lose hope…when we get disappointment after disappointment, rejection after rejection, failure after failure…

We get cold…

And we shut down…

Our challenge is to stay warm and to stay open. As long as we’re alive, we not only have a second chance, but a nine hundred and thirty second chance and beyond. Because if we stop hoping, all that we hope for may soon pass away.

A Little Bible Hope With a Side of LOTR

I have never wanted to be one of those women who are up late each night, reading the Bible, falling asleep with the Bible on my lap, highlighting passages, etc. To be searching for answers in a book that I may never fully understand meant that I was pretty hopeless.

The truth is that I keep coming back to that “Book” (the Bible) as a basis for inspiration and guidance and direction in times of uncertainty, confusion, and hopelessness.

In that way, and in my own life, the Bible is a “Living Document,” which means that when I read it at any moment in time, the same words can apply to any life situation I have going on at the time. I just have to be open to receiving the message that it is trying to give me.

This is not a post on religion, but more a post on intellectual spirituality. Whether you study the teachings of Jesus, the Buddha, the wisdom of the Old Testament, or the Qur’an, or any other spiritual teachings, in my opinion, it is so great to be able to return to these teachings to acquire hope where hope has been lost.

Have you figured out my topic for this month yet? Read on…

So the other night I experienced a bit of a disappointment and went to my Bible for answers. I had been hoping for a miracle in a certain area of my life, and it didn’t pan out…well at least not the way I wanted it to. I somehow ended up at Romans 12:12. This is what the New King James version says:

“rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer…”

After reading and thinking about this verse, I received this quiet, yet firm message in my heart:

So the miracle didn’t happen the way you wanted it to, but the challenge for you is to believe that the miracle can still happen in another way.

This…my friends…is called HOPE. And “hope” will be the topic for this month.

I realize how difficult it is, in my own life to maintain hopefulness when everything in “reality” is telling me that I should give up.

One of the symptoms of depression is a sense of hopelessness about life itself. I will admit that in the past, I have been in this severe hopeless state.

I am happy to say that it has been several years since I have been hopeless to the point of being suicidal, but there are certain areas of my life where, if I am honest, I have lost hope. I really want to learn how to maintain hope in all areas of my life. I do not want to ever lose hope.

In addition to getting inspiration through the written words of the Bible, I’m a firm believer that our Higher Power can speak to us in any form of media He chooses. One of my favorite movies is the Lord of the Rings (LOTR) trilogy, partly because they are just an amazingly spectacular group of movies, and the other part is because I just love looking at Viggo Mortensen (just kidding…no I’m not!). But the other part is because that movie (and for those of you that have read the books, I’m sure know this) has so many underlying parallels to life. Specifically to my life.

There’s a scene in the second movie, The Two Towers, I think where the men of Rohan and the Elves join together to go to war with the army that was bred by the Dark Lord, Sauron. One of the young men who is fighting looks to my favorite character, (the King), Aragorn and says something like, “they say there is no hope.” To which Aragorn replies,

There is always hope.

So basically here was this army of men and elves getting ready to battle the most evil force on Earth, and “there is always hope” is what the King says? That’s pretty brave. But he is the King and all…

Sometimes it’s so much easier to give up when you have had so much rejection in so many areas of life. Perhaps you have not completely lost hope, but your hope is a little bit rusty. Regardless if you have lost all hope or if your hope has just begun to fade away, this month I will explore how we can all keep hope alive in our hearts.

Last Day of April – Imperfections All Over the Place

I purposely postponed my last day of April post for today. No really, I just forgot to type it up.

Good thing I’m not perfect!

So because yesterday was the last day of April, it’s time to wrap up the topic of “perfection” and “perfectionism” and choose a new topic for May. It feels like I barely scratched the surface of the issue of perfectionism. But I received many affirming responses to my posts on perfection, especially the posts about body image. As always, I am so grateful. But there are many issues that I didn’t touch on, such as perfectionism in the workplace…

When I worked in corporate America, I had this overarching need to not only do a good job, but to do a perfect job. Any criticism or mistakes made me stress out, or become uneasy. Most of all it made me sad or fearful. I felt picked on and singled out when I received any criticism. In all fairness to myself, there were times that I was picked on and singled out, but whenever I would get sincere criticism or genuine feedback, it triggered feelings of inadequacy. Instead of confronting these feelings, I would usually run from them in two ways:

• Depression
• Taking on more work than I could humanly handle

Can you relate?

I also didn’t talk about perfectionism in the arts. I think those of us who are musicians, artists, or even writers really struggle with perfectionism. It starts when we are children. Everything is a competition. Who sounds the best, who plays it the best, who expresses it the best. When you are a performer, sometimes your best just isn’t good enough if you didn’t win the scholarship or the competition. I’m not a mom, but I would be interested to know how parents encourage their kids to do their best without making them believe they need to be perfect.

How do you encourage your kids to do their best without creating an environment of perfectionism?

And then of course there’s the wonderful topic of dating as it relates to perfectionism. When you are intentionally dating, or trying to find a mate, looking for love, or whatever you want to call it, I have found that I am always trying to present this perfect picture of who I am to my intended. This is really a problem in online dating. When you first step into a relationship and all the chemical reactions cause a love addiction, that’s all well in good because you can’t help but think your newly beloved is perfect…and he may think the same. But what about when all of the love chemicals wear off? Some scholars suggest that chemical reaction love addiction type state lasts for two years. So basically, when I actually find a guy who I choose is worthy, I will have to wait another 2 years for my potential mate to accept my imperfections, or even notice that I have any?

Sounds pretty exhausting.

If you are actively dating with the intention of finding a special one, do you cringe at the thought of him/her knowing the real you? The imperfect you?

So what I’m getting at is just like abandonment, the topic of perfectionism is not something that can be fully exhausted in one month. Just like an addiction, it is something that I will battle everyday, one day at a time. I’m just happy to know that I don’t have to battle it alone.

So with that being said I will introduce the topic for May in a few days, but until then, I will leave you with a couple of gems from a few special ladies:

12 Tips on Letting Go of Perfectionism From Brene Brown (BlogHer)

And some quotes…

“Today I acknowledge my striving for perfection by being all that I can be. I make mistakes and learn from them. Life is not a test where we are constantly being graded for performance.” -Rokelle Lerner

“When we stop expecting ourselves to be perfect, we’ll discover the beauty in ourselves.” -Melody Beattie

Sources

• Beattie, Melody (2009-12-15). The Language of Letting Go (Hazelden Meditation Series) (Kindle Location 1348). BookMobile. Kindle Edition.
• Lerner, Rokelle (1996-11-01). Daily Affirmations for Adult Children of Alcoholics: For Adult Children of Alcoholics (Kindle Locations 1812-1813). Health Communications. Kindle Edition.

The Origins of Perfection

The Origins of Perfection. That sounds like a book title. Perhaps it would be a good title for the book I one day hope to write. I’ve often wondered where my attitude of perfectionism comes from. I think we all have it to some extent, but for some of us, it defines who we are, what we do, and how we think. We let the need to be perfect take over our lives and this prevents us from being who we really are.

In addition to not being much of a housekeeper, I’m not much of an interior decorator either. I can put my clothes and makeup together, but figuring out how to match up curtains with furniture, or dish towels and kitchen rugs makes no sense to me. When I go to other people’s homes everything seems to match up…perfectly. Even the pictures on the walls. When I had my own apartment, the decorations in my house were all over the place. For example, my living room wall was decorated on one side with a portrait of a flute, on another wall, I had a big portrait of black people playing jazz, on another wall, I had a big picture of the most beautiful tigers. In my bedroom, I had a big framed poster of the characters from The Lord of the Rings movies, and on another wall was a picture of the Chicago White Sox emblem.

You get my drift. These things had no synchronicity, but they expressed me. If you knew me well, these expressions of me made sense. If you didn’t know me well, or were just getting to know me, all of this may have been confusing to you if you visited my place. The question is, am I okay with another person’s uncomfortable feelings in response to me being me? Should I strive to be someone else’s version of perfect?

It all depends. I may seem okay on the outside, but internally, I am calling myself names: weird, freak, not normal, strange…

Imperfect.

***

When I became an adult (which sometimes I feel was only a few minutes ago, haha), I began to take a subtle look at the affects of growing up in an alcoholic home. I learned from various reading that usually, adult children of alcoholics tend to be perfectionists. But why?

It wasn’t until I began my most recent self awareness journey, which includes spirituality, therapy, 12 step recovery, and an abundance of new life changing literature, that I realized an overarching theme when it comes to perfection…SHAME.

“…shame loves perfectionists–it’s so easy to keep us quiet.” -Brene Brown

In this quote from her book, The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown is talking about “truth-telling” and owning our story, no matter how messy it is. It’s part of the reason why I am so honest about so much stuff on my blog.

“Perfectionism is a response to a shame-based and controlling home. The child mistakenly believes that she can avoid being shamed if she is perfect in her thinking and acting…expectations are continually raised in these kinds of homes. Shame or the feeling that we have failed our parents seems to occur no matter what we do.” -Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA)

One of my goals this year is to let go of shame. I didn’t even know that shame was an issue for me until last year. Guilt was always my culprit, and I had begun to recognize my guilty feelings. Shame was really sneaky. It had always been there, but I thought that it was an issue for other people. But once I realized shame was an issue, I immediately began to take the steps to let go of it.

“Guilt and shame are not useful as a way of life.” -Melody Beattie

I am trying not to be a prisoner of shame, which enables me to feed on this need to be perfect. Because without shame, there would be no concept of perfectionism…at least on the human level. We all have ways in which we can improve or enhance ourselves. But we must accept the way things are in the present before any true change can take place.

When I start to fill my head with shame and begin the struggle for perfection, it’s usually helpful for me to remember how my Samson kitty sees me (except when he’s mad at me for not giving him more Fancy Feast) with complete love and no judgment.

Or better yet, remember how your Higher Power sees you…as imperfectly perfect.

There is good and bad, and that is good. There is perfect and imperfection, and that is perfect. -TAO SHAN

Sources

• Beattie, Melody (2009). Codependent No More (Kindle Location 1841). BookMobile. Kindle Edition.
• Brown, Brene (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection (p. 39). BookMobile. Kindle Edition.