Words of Compassion, Creativity, & Knowledge

Enjoy the journey

Me — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 04:06:31 +0000

I read something today that really resonated with me. It was an affirmation that said something to the effect of “enjoying the journey.” Sometimes I get so caught up in the destination, I don’t enjoy what’s happening on the way there. I have to keep this in mind every time I’m tempted to stress out about whatever the hell I’m stressing out about. Enjoy the journey.

Prayer of thanks for creativity

Me — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 04:10:42 +0000

God, thank you for today. Thank you for music. Thank you for giving me the gift of creative communication. Thank you for allowing me to do Your will with that gift. In Jesus name, Amen.

Validate Me

Me — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 01:13:30 +0000

I’ve been working lately on not needing so much external validation. When I do not get the support that I think I should, I’m working on supporting myself. Or at least I try to find a healthy way to give myself the support and encouragement I need. The validation needs to come from within me.

I am realizing that there is an enormous amount of guilt and shame that I carry around with me on a daily basis. I am trying to break free of that, but it gets activated through certain triggers. I am becoming more aware of what those triggers are.

My problem is that when I’m excited about something, I want to share it with others. Perhaps its because I want them to be excited with me. Maybe its because I’ve had so many bad things happen, that when something good happens, I just want others to know about it. Or it could be that I don’t fully believe in myself, in what I’m doing, so I seek external validation from others, specifically those that are close to me.

But telling other people about good things that are going on is normal right?

I guess it’s normal if the motivation behind it is not guilt and shame. I know that sounds weird, but when I do things that make me happy, or things that take up my time, but don’t make me any money, like writing, music, or school, there is a certain amount of guilt I carry…I think I should be doing something more fiscally productive. And then there is shame for thinking that I’m just wrong for doing what I’m doing.

Controlling Crazy

Me — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 02:47:42 +0000

Perhaps I should stop trying to control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions toward certain people and situations. Maybe I should just be aware of what is happening and aware of when things are not healthy, or not for my benefit. Maybe that’s all I can do for now, is let go of trying to control how others respond to me. I can’t control how other people respond to me any longer. Actually, I could never control it…it was all in my head. I can’t make a person love me, I can’t make a person be the type of friend or lover that I need or that I think they should be. I can only be who I am and be the friend I know how to be. What another person does in response to that, I have no control over.

I can feel hurt, rejected, betrayed…I can feel those feelings, but I cannot control the actions of others that have led me to those feelings.

But why do I feel so unsettled inside sometimes? It’s like my heart and spirit won’t stop bouncing around inside my body. I feel like I should be doing something to make my life better, instead of allowing God to show me His will for my life. This is where things become “crazy” or “insane” for me. It is the battle between self and spirit. The struggle between control and letting go. The battle between denial and acceptance. The fight between my will and God’s will. The difference between insanity and sanity.

Sneaky Loneliness

Me — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 17:37:11 +0000

Emotions all over the place. But this is not new. It just seems like the stuff I have to work through has no end. It’s like there are so many layers to work through in order to get back to my authentic self. Sometimes it feels like I will never get there. It’s funny that a few months ago, I didn’t know that “there” was where I was trying to get to. Do other people live like this? Or are there a bunch of people that live there lives in denial?

I just keep trying to remember what it felt like to just be me. And not being me for the sake of showing someone else that I can be me, or to prove that being me is okay. What does it feel like for me to just be me naturally? There is a freedom in that. Not caring what other people think, even my friends. Just doing my own thing and not feeling that this is a lonely or isolated road. Accepting that people may not always understand, but that those that love me will still love me no matter what.

But the loneliness is sneaky. It creeps in at the point of acceptance. It is ambiguous. I still yearn for someone that does understand and that can relate to me. Sometimes I feel so far away from finding that.

But then sometimes I feel expectant about it. Sometimes I feel hopeless and helpless about it. Sometimes I feel like its right around the corner. And other times I feel like its never going to happen. The challenge is extracting the expectancy and hope from the negative thoughts.

I read an affirmation today about relationships that ironically had affirmed something I had said to someone earlier in the week. I was in tears when I told a confidant that regardless of what I am working through now, I feel more at ease with myself and with just being me, and comfortable with who I am, and even knowing who I am than ever before. Because of this “knowing,” I want to share myself now more than ever before with someone who will see this within me, appreciates it, and loves me unconditionally and without judgment.

So basically what I’m saying is that I do not desire a relationship to make me happy. What I read in the affirmation that I identified with is that I desire a relationship to “share the totality of who I am with another person.”

Perfect is not perfect

Me — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:11:33 +0000

There is no such thing as perfection. Perfectionism and the belief in a “perfect” life is an illusion that I have fixed in my mind for far too long. It’s time to let that go. Even those that appear perfect are not perfect. That is the reality. The perfect picture that is presented outwardly is an illusion. Sometimes it’s a beautiful illusion, but an illusion nonetheless.

The only thing that is perfect is God’s will. And the reality of that perfect will are the imperfections of His children.

There are two aspects of this concept. The first is thinking that others have perfect lives and the second is thinking that I have to be perfect. There is this ridiculous notion I had that everyone else, or certain selected people led perfect lives. This came from the belief that no one else could possibly be living like me. It also comes from me falling for the “great shows” that people present externally. In the past, I isolated myself a lot because who could possibly understand what I was going through or who would even want to spend time with me? I can see how this was something I began to internalize. It made me believe that I had to be perfect for others to like me and for acceptance in everything.

Beauty through the TV

Me — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 17:56:03 +0000

One morning as I was meditating, I began to connect to what Deepak Chopra refers to as my “spiritual heart.” I was focusing on this part of my heart, the place where my God resides, and I asked my heart to speak to me. I began to cry. Through my tears, I began to notice the sound of the television in another room. Literally, the only thing I could make out was someone on the television that said, “Do you have any idea how beautiful you are?” I heard nothing before or after that phrase was said.

Sometimes all you need to do is ask and you will receive. God apparently uses any means necessary to speak to us. In this instance, He used the TV. I think what I heard on the television was a reminder that I needed in that moment to lift my self esteem. He was reminding me that I am beautiful…beautiful because His beauty is inside of me.

Random confusing thoughts

Me — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 20:10:12 +0000

I’m starting to think that my life is in a constant state of confusing feelings. It’s like I literally walk around not either knowing, understanding or even feeling what I am feeling. Sometimes, I think that the more I pray and get closer to God, the more I yearn to be happy and then the more I yearn to be happy, the more I begin to examine my desires, wants, and needs. And then I wonder what do I need to do today to be happy? What do I need in this moment to be at peace? As I am writing this, I need to feel loved and wanted. I need an intimate connection. So my plan is to reach out to God.

I hate feeling this way. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to feel what I feel. I’m judging the way I feel instead of just feeling it. It’s all very confusing. I get tired of crying myself to sleep. But I have been working things out with God a lot lately, which of course is good. I don’t know, part of me still wants to isolate myself because it’s so much easier than showing yourself to others with the possibility of being rejected.

Little girl reborn

Me — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 00:52:05 +0000

My recovery goal is to get myself back in touch with the little girl I was before I knew what dysfunction was all about. I’m not denying or skipping over the past, I’m just remembering that little girl is still me. The cute, adorable little girl with a great smile and attractive personality…the little girl that was lovable, just because she was just lovable as she was. She didn’t have to change a thing about herself, she was fine the way she was. She was a “girly girl” dressed up in the cutest clothes, the prettiest hairstyles, she looked like a doll. She was talented. And no one could tell her that her talent wasn’t enough, because her whole being was enough. She was creative, she was intelligent, and the other kids wanted a little of what she had. But whatever she had, it was enough.

In some ways, we all lose that child, but I think for me, that child was not lost. She either died or disintegrated. I think it would be easier for me to get in touch with that inner child if she was just lost. It’s more difficult to rebirth or recreate the core of who I really am.

Like a tulip blooming in spring, that little girl doll, who is me, is coming back slowly, but surely…

Hot Symphony

Me — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 00:07:21 +0000

Music is beautiful and brilliant. I’m not just talking about the music you hear on the radio that has been distorted by computers and music videos. I am talking about the original music; the music that is created by instruments and when combined in orchestration with other instruments, creates a sound as beautiful as a sunset and as thrilling as a fast car. The kind of music that makes your heart beat fast and literally makes your spine tingle. I am talking about the music of the symphony; flutes, strings, brass, percussion; all of the instruments that go into making that brilliant sound.

You feel the amazing passion, energy, and enthusiasm in your bones as the conductor sways back and forth to the music and directs the orchestra to an overwhelming feeling that takes over your soul.

Whew…is it hot in here?

Imagine sitting there right in the midst of it all…on stage…being a part of a symphony that creates that beautiful, brilliant music.