This is a long one, but I had to get this off my chest…

Friends,

It is on a night like tonight that I thank God for this thing called blogging. I posted my update as feeling as if I was going to have an anxiety attack, when in reality I feel more like I’m losing my mind. I have to be honest, I held out hope that Jennifer Hudson’s nephew would be found alive and well and was devastated when I heard the news that they had found a boy dead; and confirmed that it was the little boy for which I had received an amber alert on Friday evening.

My mother told me that although she had held out “hope” also, she figured that he had probably been killed because too many days had passed and he had not been found. She, unlike me was being a realist.

Why has this tragic event bothered me so much that I couldn’t stop thinking of Jennifer over the weekend? And why has this tragic event brought me to tears; and brought me to the point of nervousness, anxiousness? Dreamgirls came on last Saturday afternoon and I cried through the whole movie. I must really have some serious emotional problems.

But my mother told me it’s a “young person thing.” She said when she was younger and the Charles Manson murders happened, she was bothered by that tragic event to the point where she became a bit “obsessed” with the trial. But I think for me, it’s more than that.

I do not know Jennifer Hudson personally, but for some reason I felt connected to her. A girl from Chicago; she worked hard and she made it, probably to more than she ever expected, and still has accomplishments yet realized.

So hearing about the brutal murders of her family members gave me emotions that I cannot completely understand. My mind immediately flashed back to the day I found out my own sister was murdered.

It has been 13 years since I got the call that my sister had been shot and murdered. You think you have completely moved past something and out of nowhere, an event such as the Hudson family murders can bring it all rushing back. The shock, the disbelief, and…the guilt. The last time I talked to my sister, we had a fight. I remember in the aftermath, I am back in my dormroom at college, speaking on the phone with my mom, wanting to die, she’s consoling me, when I should have been consoling her. I am ripping myself up with grief and guilt when my mother just finally tells me “God’s will be done”. Sounded so final. But what it told me was that it was time to pick myself up and go on.

It wasn’t easy. You go through all of the famous stages of grief that are in the textbooks, but what I don’t think those textbooks tell you is how to live your life while you are going through those stages.

I cannot imagine what the Hudson family must be going through; losing three family members to violence. For me, I almost didn’t make it losing one. I have suffered other losses since the death of my sister; however, it is something about the shock and unpreparedness of murder that makes the grieving process much more difficult.

And then there is closure. The authorities never found my sister’s killer, so my family had to seek out our own closure. But I do hope in the case of the Hudson’s, the police have the person or have an idea of who the person is that committed these horrible crimes. I am sure once they have charged “someone”; I will be back with another blog on my feelings about that situation.

But for now, I just pray that the Hudson family and families of murder victims everywhere find the strength to make it through their grief.

Become an advocate for peace.


One thought on “This is a long one, but I had to get this off my chest…

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