Personal Beat Down

So what’s the question for today?  Why am I so hard on myself/why do I beat myself up so much?  I don’t know.  I guess it has become so much a part of me, it’s nearly like the air I breathe.  It’s like I don’t know how to operate any other way.  Whenever any uncomfortable thing happens, uncomfortable feeling, or rejection, or failure, for some reason, it must be explained.  So why, if I’m so great, did I get rejected, have failed, have had that bad feeling?  The easy explanation is because there is something wrong with me, some character defect.  This is much easier than dealing with the pain of whatever failure, disappointment, rejection, or bad feeling I am facing.  It’s because I cannot conceptualize certain things that involve me not being in my control.

I have always had it in my mind that I have to be better, I have to be more loving, I should be thinner, more beautiful, more everything.  If I’m just myself, I will not be anything special, I will be alone, I won’t really accomplish anything worthwhile.  And this is the way I have felt for so long that it is inherently imprinted in my mind, and I don’t know how to change it. This must be a breakthrough because this is the first time I’m ever admitting this to anyone, even to myself.

There have been times that my personal beat downs have not been as severe, I’ve used positive thoughts or affirmations, religion, self-help books, or even psychotherapy, but I’m not sure if it ever really goes away.  This self-hatred just kind of lurks there in my subconscious and jumps out at me at the times when I’m already down.  When it hits, there’s no time for an affirmation, no time for a positive thought.  It just attacks, and before I know it, I am putting myself down.
So the new question is:  How do I change something about myself that has become so much a part of me for so long?

2 thoughts on “Personal Beat Down

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