This is from one day last summer when I was actually in touch with my feelings….or maybe not:
Today I feel sad, a bit hopeless, embarrassed, let down, disappointed. The good thing is that I have a lot going on today, which prevents me from wallowing in all of these pathetic feelings. But I do feel like crying, and its a bit hard to concentrate. But I’ m doing my best. I’m in a bit of a mourning or grieving period right now, because ever since I met him, I never really imagined my life without him in it, in some way. And now I’m realizing that I might have to let go, in order for me to get over him. I just have to find a way to let go, I just don’t know how to do that without feeling like crap.
Is there a way that I can have him in my life, and let go of him? I don’t know. I’m so confused and conflicted right now. I thought the answer was for me to find someone else, but that just brought me more frustration, when the guy was not like him. I refuse to think of this as an “obsession.” I refuse to think of my love for him as some kind of ugly thing. It is beautiful. He is beautiful to me. The ugly part is how I feel and not understanding why I cannot move on from my idealization of some kind of a relationship or life with him. That is where I beat myself up and hate myself, and the cycle goes on and on.
But I’m working on accepting things now in all aspects. In how I feel about him, and how he does not feel about me. This gives me some kind of validation at least and writing it makes me feel less crazy.
But the longing and aching in my heart is still there and I wish I knew how to get through all of that without being an emotional basket case.