I think that because of the uncertainty in my past, I often feel like if things are not good now, if I’m not achieving my dreams now, then something else will happen that will derail it. Or I have even thought, what if I die and never know what love is really like, what being in love is. But one thing I’ve been praying on is perseverance. I’ve been praying and trying to figure out how not to give up on my dreams of being in love or having a relationship, or even getting married and having a child. But at the same time, I’ve been working on acceptance of everything as it is. It’s hard. It’s normal for people to have dreams, but when these dreams turn to visions about what life is supposed to look like, they get stuck in my head.
Life is not perfect. But I believe that I know this. Growing up in a dysfunctional home taught me that life is not perfect. But maybe that’s why I wanted perfection for so long. Or maybe that’s why I think others have such perfect lives. But that vision is what is getting me into so much trouble. The vision is what makes me sad. The problem is the age thing and the comparison thing. If there wasn’t this perception about age in society, or if my peers weren’t at certain levels that I think I should be at, perhaps I wouldn’t feel so bad some times. But sometimes I just long for the intimacy that I don’t have. And then I feel guilty about that. But I tell God, you know I’m lonely, you know how I feel, what is this? I sometimes feel so much emotional pain, especially at night. Shouldn’t I feel loved and complete with God’s love? And then that’s where I’m get so confused. I can be okay by myself , I’ve been alone far more than I’ve been with someone and was pretty much resolved with my life being that way, but then this desire got fired up in me and the desire turned into longing and I haven’t been able to squash the desire. And then I feel guilt whenever I feel it. I feel guilt about writing about it. Why can’t I be stronger? What is wrong with me wanting a companion? Wanting a husband? These are the questions I have for God. And then I get back, well it’s not the right time.
Well, that’s obvious. But that’s when I start to wonder if there will ever be a time. And why is everybody else’s time right now? What did they do so right and I do so wrong that it’s not my time? And then that’s where I start to feel there is something wrong with me.
So it’s a vicious cycle. And I start to feel that its not time because I haven’t got myself all together yet. Like who is going to love me being all confused like I am? Who, but God? So then it all comes back to me and God and my desire to get close to Him.
So perhaps that’s the issue. My desire to get close to God cannot compete with my desire to get close and intimate with a man. Ok. I get it. I can still have the desire, that’s natural. Right? I just can’t have it as first.
The intimacy must be with God first. I understand this. But it can’t be a second choice. It can’t be a “Oh yeah, it’s God” kind of choice. I can’t choose God like some guys have chosen me. It can’t be like, okay, so no one else wants me, I guess I’ll go with God because He has no choice but to love me. I have to truly choose Him as first and not give Him the sloppy seconds that are often given to me in romantic relationships. What does that mean exactly? I’m not sure. I’m still learning about what all of that really means.
But it’s an enlightening thought, nonetheless.