So I just thought about how absolutely crazy it was for me to leave my job in 2009 without having any unemployment. I have no idea how I made it for as long as I have. It was a combination of mom, me working myself to death, selling stuff, and of course God. But I guess God is who I have been relying on all this time anyway. But I have to say that I really never thought that I would completely not find a full time job and better yet that I would lose everything in the process and not even get any interviews for the past 2 years. I never thought I would be living like this, although it’s kind of fun. I’m grateful for my part time job, and having time to cook and do stuff at home is wonderful. And then having time to write and now play my flute, is even more wonderful. My struggle right now is doing what I love and making a living at it.
Things are so up in the air with that. If I could really be serious about my writing, but then again, I am serious. I am so frustrated with myself at times. I haven’t been able to finish anything, but I need to stop focusing on what’s not finished. Maybe I just need to enjoy the creative process. And maybe this will lead me to where I want to go.
I’ve kind of had a bit of a downturn, but I’m slowly getting myself back on track, trying not to listen to other people’s judgments and do the best that I can. And somewhere I read that my “best” changes from day to day. I totally feel that way. Sometimes I am a complete chore machine, and other times, I’m a complete bum. It all depends. And there is so much guilt associated with the “bum” days. It’s like there is always something else I should be doing.