I’m starting to think that my life is in a constant state of confusing feelings. It’s like I literally walk around not either knowing, understanding or even feeling what I am feeling. Sometimes, I think that the more I pray and get closer to God, the more I yearn to be happy and then the more I yearn to be happy, the more I begin to examine my desires, wants, and needs. And then I wonder what do I need to do today to be happy? What do I need in this moment to be at peace? As I am writing this, I need to feel loved and wanted. I need an intimate connection. So my plan is to reach out to God.
I hate feeling this way. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to feel what I feel. I’m judging the way I feel instead of just feeling it. It’s all very confusing. I get tired of crying myself to sleep. But I have been working things out with God a lot lately, which of course is good. I don’t know, part of me still wants to isolate myself because it’s so much easier than showing yourself to others with the possibility of being rejected.