Sneaky Loneliness

Emotions all over the place. But this is not new. It just seems like the stuff I have to work through has no end. It’s like there are so many layers to work through in order to get back to my authentic self. Sometimes it feels like I will never get there. It’s funny that a few months ago, I didn’t know that “there” was where I was trying to get to. Do other people live like this? Or are there a bunch of people that live there lives in denial?

I just keep trying to remember what it felt like to just be me. And not being me for the sake of showing someone else that I can be me, or to prove that being me is okay. What does it feel like for me to just be me naturally? There is a freedom in that. Not caring what other people think, even my friends. Just doing my own thing and not feeling that this is a lonely or isolated road. Accepting that people may not always understand, but that those that love me will still love me no matter what.

But the loneliness is sneaky. It creeps in at the point of acceptance. It is ambiguous. I still yearn for someone that does understand and that can relate to me. Sometimes I feel so far away from finding that.

But then sometimes I feel expectant about it. Sometimes I feel hopeless and helpless about it. Sometimes I feel like its right around the corner. And other times I feel like its never going to happen. The challenge is extracting the expectancy and hope from the negative thoughts.

I read an affirmation today about relationships that ironically had affirmed something I had said to someone earlier in the week. I was in tears when I told a confidant that regardless of what I am working through now, I feel more at ease with myself and with just being me, and comfortable with who I am, and even knowing who I am than ever before. Because of this “knowing,” I want to share myself now more than ever before with someone who will see this within me, appreciates it, and loves me unconditionally and without judgment.

So basically what I’m saying is that I do not desire a relationship to make me happy. What I read in the affirmation that I identified with is that I desire a relationship to “share the totality of who I am with another person.”

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