Perhaps I should stop trying to control my thoughts, feelings, actions, and reactions toward certain people and situations. Maybe I should just be aware of what is happening and aware of when things are not healthy, or not for my benefit. Maybe that’s all I can do for now, is let go of trying to control how others respond to me. I can’t control how other people respond to me any longer. Actually, I could never control it…it was all in my head. I can’t make a person love me, I can’t make a person be the type of friend or lover that I need or that I think they should be. I can only be who I am and be the friend I know how to be. What another person does in response to that, I have no control over.
I can feel hurt, rejected, betrayed…I can feel those feelings, but I cannot control the actions of others that have led me to those feelings.
But why do I feel so unsettled inside sometimes? It’s like my heart and spirit won’t stop bouncing around inside my body. I feel like I should be doing something to make my life better, instead of allowing God to show me His will for my life. This is where things become “crazy” or “insane” for me. It is the battle between self and spirit. The struggle between control and letting go. The battle between denial and acceptance. The fight between my will and God’s will. The difference between insanity and sanity.