You have probably figured out that National Abandonment Recovery Month does not exist. But I thought it would be an interesting way to title a blog post and begin the month’s topic. Actually, it may be an interesting concept. Keeping with the ambivalence of life, I like to talk about not only the good, but also the bad, because you cannot live life without the good and the bad. My blog posts often focus on topics that no one really wants to talk about, like the kinds of things that hurt, that make us sad, and that are not pleasant. But I believe that there is no way around all of that stuff other than to go through it. And so keeping with that tradition, I have decided to post on a topic this month that is not a pleasant one: Abandonment.
In my search for greater self awareness and acceptance, I have uncovered layer after layer of stuff that I didn’t even know existed. Sometimes I think this uncovering of issues is going to go on forever. So what. It takes as long as it takes for me to be emotionally healthy. But those are topics for future months. What I didn’t realize until recently is that I have major issues with the concept of abandonment. I had a conversation with a friend where I mentioned having an overwhelming fear of being rejected…specifically in love. Although as the conversation went on and the analysis became deeper, I realized that even beyond the “rejection” aspect, I am afraid of being accepted…only to be left.
I am afraid of abandonment, afraid of being left alone, afraid of being forgotten. I had a couple of bizarre experiences this week that brought this to the surface. And being the good emotionally sober person that I am, I chose to deal with them. Ok, ok, I didn’t “choose” to deal with anything, the uncontrollable crying probably had something to do with it. It was a choice between dealing with stuff or spending all day in the bed crying and missing wages from work. So I eventually pulled myself together and began to examine what was going on.
My therapist tells me to turn pain into purpose, which usually means for me to write. So I plan to explore the topic of abandonment this month. I hope to gain some healing from this process. I hope it helps to heal you too, but if you’re the type of person that often says “just get over it” or you believe that childhood issues have nothing to do with who you are today, this probably isn’t for you. So join me if you like, but if not…I will probably feel abandoned.