I used to think that recovery was leading me to something beautiful. But it’s lead me to nothing but emotional pain. Maybe my concept of beauty needs revision. -Michele Whitney
It’s the last day of the March National Blogger Posting Month (Nablopomo) challenge. And I have done it! I am patting myself on the back! Well, actually, I’m eating a few spoonfuls of peanut butter as my reward. 🙂
But lucky for ME, it’s not the last day of my blog. As I mentioned before, my plan is to blog weekly. I’d like to have set days, but that may change. I will take this blogging thing, as with everything else in my life…one day at a time.
I am currently thinking about next month’s topic. I have a few good ideas swimming around in my head, and I will decide by the end of the weekend.
As I reflect on this past month, I have realized that there is still so much emotional “stuff” I have to work through. I came to the conclusion that when I read in self improvement literature or spiritual literature about looking within or finding love within or anything else we’re supposed to do “within,” much of what I have found “within” is emotional pain. So it’s no wonder I have needed so much external validation in my life. Searching for fulfillment externally enabled me to deny the pain I feel inside. Who wants to look at pain? Looking at…and sitting with emotional pain is difficult. It takes courage.
It is a process. But it is my journey. Over the past month of regularly blogging, I have released some of the shame I have associated with this journey. There has been a lot I have shared, including family dysfunction, some of my therapeutic and 12 step work, and fears about dating and love that in the past I would have held inside for fear of seeming not normal or crazy. I came to realize that these were labels I had been placing on myself. And if others place those labels on me, who cares? If I touch one person with my story, I have accomplished my goal.
So what are my final thoughts on abandonment?
Don’t Give Up.
That may sound strange. But if you are like me and have these abandonment issues, there will be triggers that come up when you least expect it. And there will be times when you’re tired of working through layer after layer of stuff; you will be tired of feeling feelings; and you will wonder if it will ever end. But you have to work through it all to get to the JOY you deserve. For those of us who work the 12 steps, don’t feel bad if you have to literally go back to Step 1 over and over again. Never diminish your progress. Even when the emotional pain that comes up is so great, you don’t think you can bear it. We can still enjoy life through it all, so…
Don’t Give Up.
See you soon…