Reliving the Sorrow All Over Again

With the current trial going on in reference to the Hudson murders, I began to reminisce and remembered the commentary I wrote when that terrible tragedy first happened. I felt the need to take a quick hiatus from this month’s topic to re-post this blog post I wrote from October 27, 2008. This is the majority of the original post I wrote, of which a portion was published in the commentary section of the Chicago Sun Times the following day:

Friends,

It is on a night like tonight that I thank God for this thing called blogging. I was feeling as if I was going to have an anxiety attack, but really I feel more like I’m losing my mind. I have to be honest, I held out hope that Jennifer Hudson’s nephew would be found alive and well and was devastated when I heard the news that they had found a boy dead; and confirmed that it was the little boy for which I had received an amber alert on Friday evening.

My mother told me that although she had held out “hope” also, she figured that he had probably been killed because too many days had passed and he had not been found. She, unlike me was being a realist.

Why has this tragic event bothered me so much that I couldn’t stop thinking of Jennifer over the weekend? And why has this tragic event brought me to tears; and brought me to the point of nervousness, anxiousness? Dreamgirls came on last Saturday afternoon and I cried through the whole movie. I must really have some serious emotional problems.

But my mother told me it’s a “young person thing.” She said when she was younger and the Charles Manson murders happened, she was bothered by that tragic event to the point where she became a bit “obsessed” with the trial. But I think for me, it’s more than that.

I do not know Jennifer Hudson personally, but for some reason I felt connected to her. A girl from Chicago; she worked hard and she made it, probably to more than she ever expected, and still has accomplishments yet realized.

So hearing about the brutal murders of her family members gave me emotions that I cannot completely understand. My mind immediately flashed back to the day I found out my own sister was murdered.

It has been 13 years* since I got the call that my sister had been shot and murdered. You think you have completely moved past something and out of nowhere, an event such as the Hudson family murders can bring it all rushing back. The shock, the disbelief, and…the guilt. The last time I talked to my sister, we had a fight. I remember after the funeral, I was back in my dormroom at college, speaking on the phone with my mom, wanting to die because the guilt was so strong. She was consoling me, when I should have been consoling her. I am ripping myself up with grief and guilt when my mother just finally tells me,

“God’s Will Be Done.”

This sounded so final. But what it told me was that it was time to pick myself up and go on.

It wasn’t easy. You go through all of the famous stages of grief that are in the textbooks, but what I don’t think those textbooks tell you is how to live your life while you are going through those stages.

I cannot imagine what the Hudson family must be going through; losing three family members to violence. For me, I almost didn’t make it losing one. I have suffered other losses since the death of my sister; however, it is something about the shock and unpreparedness of murder that makes the grieving process much more difficult.

And then there is closure. The authorities never found my sister’s killer*, so my family had to seek out our own closure. But I do hope in the case of the Hudson’s, the police have the person or have an idea of who the person is that committed these horrible crimes.

But for now, I just pray that the Hudson family and families of murder victims everywhere find the strength to make it through their grief.

 

*The 17-year anniversary of my sister’s murder recently passed.

*The authorities still have not found my sister’s killer, although I recently heard they are still very much working the case, and do not consider it a cold case.


6 thoughts on “Reliving the Sorrow All Over Again

  1. What a beautiful, heart-wrenching post. I remember how sick I felt about the Hudson murders, too. I think it is sensitivity that makes us hurt so, for strangers. I hurt for you, about your sister. You have an angel, helping to watch over you. Peace to your tender heart, ~ Lily

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